Dreaming

What it'd be like to be cuddled
To be someone's everything
To be cared about
And given leighway when I make mistakes...

To be romanced
To be unconditionally loved
To be ridiculously respected
To be treated like a lady

To be truely happy in this relationship
To feel as if I have a companion
To feel like this is where I want to be
To have other's marvel at our interactions

To be able to say, "this is what I've always dreamed of"...

Problems Unsolved

I come yearning for a plan
A plan that would solve the future
A plan to make us work
A plan for here on out

I walk back up
Realizing that, I again, was the one to apologize
Apologize for your hard words
Like an abused mut

You're 'done fighting'
Because you 'want to get some sleep tonight'
Here our discussing was a brawl?
And I haven't slept for days

I've recognized my wrongs
And have listed what I'll 'work on'
Return headquarters
With no give from you

Still I cry over the hurt
You were right
I was wrong
And Problems are left unsolved

Chemistry

I am an obvious product of my mother and father;
A clear character of my fathers bitterness and my mothers discontent.
A double dose of depression and a single dose of mania.

I am a not so clear product of divorce;
Of broken dreams, unkept promises.
Of insecurity and missing identity.

I am in touch, yet undiscovered;
Unexplored, but known so well.
Willing to discover, but finding more questions, and confusing the process during the search.

As a great product of my own questions and realizations,
I've come to Be through my experiences and traumas.
A state of acception.

I ask. I dream.
I work.
I recieve.

With the world at my fingertips,
I dare to dream.
I think of earth and rid small minds.

I am an artifact.
Put together with time,
Of my father's failed attempts, and my mother's compassion.

Strive vs. Love
A family of conflict
I absorb and embrace the characteristics.






(unfinished)

Continuous

Lets continue to ignore our problems,

We'll continue to hold up our "perfect" rep to strangers,

I'll continue to pretend its no problems,

And You'll continue making excuses.

We'll continue being romantic in the evening,

And hateful at all other times,

We'll continue seeing each other and hanging out,

And we'll continue being miserable inside.

I'll continue to tell you when there is a problem,

I'll continue to cry,

I'll continue to stay behind in life,

Too weak and stupid to say good bye.

You continue to think that a second later we're fine,

You'll continue to stay mad,

You'll continue to react irrationally,

And make your main focus- my mistakes.

You tell me I'm stupid,

You know where to place the blame,

You take no responsibility,

And will never let things go.

Something always has to be someone's fault,

And God-forbid that someone is you,

We're a piss poor example,

And that's how we lead our life.

The Return

Get out of my life!
Who brought you back?
I got rid of you forever.
Am I running on a track

Of reliving patterns,
And common mistakes,
Another broken promise,
And another heartbreak?

What about the past?
Our failures ingrained
We ran from our problems
And hopped on the train.

We swore to ourselves,
We'd never return,
Now look where we're standing,
And remember the burn,

Of suffering and sorrow,
Of doubt and mistrust,
Of our hate for each other,
And impatient lust.

Of miscommunications,
And sensitive thoughts,
Hour long fights,
And anger-raged talks.

(unfinished)

Saying Good-Bye

You know what, I think we're done.
Move on, Pack your bags,
And don't forget to say Good-Bye to your loved one.
We tried it out, And now I see,
There's no use,
I am going back to who I used to be.

We looked secure
to everyone,
But behind closed doors, no shining sun.
Sometimes I think,
It's not worth the pain,
But I guess it's neither worth no gain.

Nothing left,
To speak about,
I have no more hope, just burdened by doubt.
I'll be down the road,
To keep the connection,
But between me and you, there'll be no affection.

So say Good-Bye
To all that could've been
It would not have continued if we just could have seen.
Say Good-Bye
To pure family fun
And know that the decency is just for our son.

You did no wrong,
And neither did I,
It just wasn't right, and now it's Good-Bye.
Good-Bye to the love,
Good-Bye to the hope,
Good-Bye to the hanging at the end of the rope.

Good-Bye to the inlaws,
Bye to mutual friends,
Good-Bye to the wannabe's and just plain pretends.
Good-Bye to our future,
Good-Bye poor attempt,
Good-Bye to 1/2 bills and splitting the rent

Good-Bye to the Good-Byes
That have been forgotten,
No waisted money, cause no rings were boughten.
This makes it easy!
Is that what they say?
I lay there and think, and just try to pray.

This isn't easy!
Who created this myth?
Had they first went through this, to test the hypothesis?
That was the reason,
I was not his wife,
Now it's Good-Bye to him, and Hello to life.

Letter to a Great Friend

B*******,

You are an amazing girl. An inspiration. My motivation. As I sat there tonight, watching you, your boyfriend, and your parents with my little guy, my heart was taken over.
You and your mom are so great.
I sat with the crowd, peering over at you as my son, Z***, walked up to you, and you casually picked him up, as you continued visiting, unburdened, in a comfortable manner. It just looked so natural, as if, he was your own. You and your mother have this casual welcoming personality, a kind of "when you want, me I'm here for you" type of attitude.
I watched your mom pick Z*** up and carry him around talking to him. She values their connection and their bond. I love that your parents refer to themselves as "Grandma & Grandpa." They treat him like he is actually their grandchild, and show no favoritism toward their own (which would be completely acceptable if they did).
Your boyfriend and your dad have a deep love, and a calming playfulness in their eyes. They watch Z*** as he dances, plays, and does the things that a 1 1/2 year old does, without commenting on his actions. They just watch, as if they are his care takers, and look as if they just enjoy having him around. Your lover and your father look like they are just so excited to play and wrestle with him. It's so cute. As I watched your dad today, his smile, while he watched Z***, was amazing, and so full of love. As I watched D**** today, I thought to myself, 'he is going to make an awesome father and husband some day.' He is so good with Z***.
All of you have such an amazing personality. I am so greatful to have all of you in my life. I am so lucky to be part of your family. I honestly don't know where I'd be without you. I love that you all love my son. One can tell that there are no feelings of obligation when it comes to Z***. You all seem to invest valuable time into him, and show that you value having a great bond with him. I love your attitudes toward him and your acceptingness of him and I. You have helped make my life so much easier, and have encouraged me through the tough times. You have made me feel better on down days. You have never shun me, judged me, or looked down on me for my past or bad decisions. You have taken us in as one of your own, and have shown us love through all that you do. You have been an awesome person to share opinions and experiences with, and have taught me a lot about life. You have grow into a beautiful, beautiful person, and I am so thankful to have you. I hope to be able to share my many experiences, achievements, heartaches, and accomplishments with all of you. I am so happy to have you in our life, and I hope that your are here forever.

Me

I am in the best state of being. Lately, well... always, but more established now- I have been calm, cool, collected, and relaxed about stressful situations. Motherhood is great. I love it! I feel young, a bit tired, but ready for anything life decides to bring me. I am unsure of where I am going, or how I will get there- but I feel good about my destiny. I have learned a lot in life. I can more easily now, brush off the people who bring negativity into my life. I have learned a new love for those who lay out their love, energy, possitivity, and compassion. I work toward my goals when I choose to have them. For the most part, I have basic goals like- getting through school, getting maybe married one day, and living happy- but I don't have short term goals- like what I want to accomplish in a month. I just live. I don't focus too much on cleaning my house, studying for tests... the somewhat important things in life. I focus on family. My little man. I'd like to be successful, and work hard for my family, but if I focus too much on the little things that are still important- I'd have no time or energy left to put back into my family. I am so happy with the way life has turned out for me. I'm ready.

Amazing Comfort

Everything in the last month has went so wrong. My world flipped upside down and inside out. My plans have dirastically changed. My emotions have been so messed up due to the pregnancy. I now fit in with the rest of the pregnant teenagers. For the last while I have mentally prepared myself to go crazy. There is now only one more problem. It still hasn't happened. I am completely sane, calm, tame, content, and belive it or not, happy. I would be more than happy to be alone for the rest of my life. It sounds kind of depressing- doesn't it? I'm at a foreign level that I'm not supposed to be. Everything is again- peaceful. That drowning kind of peacefullness that I've talked about before.
I have been living with my cousin for the summer, babysitting her kids. Her son, Navarro, and I are really close. He is two years old. It's amazing how caring for someone so young, can help you forget about what is really going on and put aside all the problems in life. So much attention is required and expected from such a small child. It's amazing how the tears that have been fighting to stay in your eyelids for days, can be overcome with laughter from a simple little thing. Just a small jesture or new word or tone from the child brings comfort to your whole body.

Wishie Washie

@m
Journalling (Aug10/04)

On days when I really miss you,
I tell myself to find you- and work things out.

I realize that whatever happened before matters no more,
Because what I really need to focus on- is how much I care about you.

Then I think- "You havent changed a bit!"
And the pain still hurts too much.

I slap myself across the face,
Numerous times,
Asking myself how I could think such thoughts,
After the brutal past.

Standing Back

@m
Journalling (Aug.10/04)


My world fell apart a long time ago.

I think Im beginning to work things out though.

Everything is falling into place.

I let go,

My authority figure is a nut,

And I just simply need to start caring for myself.

Making a life for what matters.

Settling myself down.

And again- Reviewing my Progress.

LIFE

@m
Journalling (Aug. 8/04)

Life, without you, sucks. Its do-able, But it sucks.
I wish we could see eye to eye in all that we do and have done.
Unfortunatly we're far from.
Two totally different people.
I love you so much and wish that we weren't so stupid for each other.
It clearly wont last, but it would've been nice if it did.
I think a fair bit of the time that we lasted, we really didnt want to be where we were.
It was just nice having someone to experience life with.
I hate being alone.
Everytime we were together and quit talking, evertime you were with another girl, evertime I realized that you arent the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with because of your views, thoughts, and morrals- I just so badly wanted to die. I wished that the right guy would come along so that I didnt have to be so insecure about the relationship I shared, or be alone in life.
I hate doing this life stuff alone.
The first time we fought back in March or April, is where it should've ended (although I did really enjoy my time spent with you).
I think something BIG is about to happen but I wont really know for about 3 weeks, but I really want to talk to you if it's happening or not ( so I'll tell you on Aug. 29th if its happening).
Everyday- no matter what mood I'm in- I feel like calling you.
When I find out new news on life- I begin to call you and tell you- but then I remember that you don't care...
When I'm excited or I've had a good day- I look foreward to telling you about it when I see you next- but then you're not there....
When I'm sad, lonely, or depressed- I just can't wait for you to come and comfort me- but then I remember that it's not like that anymore. Other times I remember how bad the majority of the last 8 months have been. I then wonder how I could ever be thinking that I wanted to be with you, or how I tried to make us work so many times after you fucked me over. I calm myself down and tell myself that it wasn't that bad and that we are both just at different levels in life right now.
Dont worry- youre not the only one that doesn't understand how I think. Maybe you'll realized after youve experienced life a bit. After you've grown up.



TOO TIRED TO FINISH>>>>>

@m Mid-July/04 More journalling

Isnt if funny how you can know someone for so long and so well and you still really dont know them at all? Your minds eye seeing them for someone that they are not. Knowing that they're always keeping something from you... lie after lie... after lie... Being way off from the real them, as if you've invented their character from scratch and added pieces as life went along. SELFISH BASTARDS! It would have been nice if they could have either layed it all out for you at the beginning when they seen where you stood or atleast tried hard to fit the role that you needed them to play!

@m Mid-July/04

"As I sink into the earth"
As Im swallowed whole
I think the expert
Review my progress
And bite back

Groping, Grunging
Hiding behind obsticles
Avoiding the thought that eventually Ill hit them straight on

Bound
Dealing with emense pressure

@m Aug.5/04 Journalling

Are you wondering whats with the tension in my voice yet?
I know you made a bet with yourself- giving it 2 weeks max for the phone to ring.
What the hells wrong eh? Looks like your cheezi games got old real quick.
Its been 1 1/2 weeks. Getting nervous?
Im thinking at the 2 1/2 week mark you'll realize that there's no phone call comming.
Ill give you 1 1/2 months max.
The only thing that hurts is- when I told you what hurts most (watching you with her) you went straight to it right away.
P.S. You were right when you said that you're exactly what Im not looking for. I hope you enjoy your life.

@m Aug3/04 More Journalling

The Power of Boredom!
That takes you a step or two,
In the wrong direction,
That puts you back,
In the wrong position,
The painful position,
That lasts the time too long,
The pointless energy usage,
With knowledge of it lasting,
Only in the now.

@m Aug.3/04 Journalling

No, No! Really, I think this whole heart-break thing is halarious!
It used to hurt, but I think I'm immune to it now.
It's some pretty funny shit eh?
I like the part where you went back to that skanky little girl who hurt you before!
You definetly got a good sense of humor! I mean- CLEARLY!
Oh! And most of all, I quite enjoyed watching you cry last time you told me that you "wanted me back"- and how "sorry" you were.
Dont worry- I didnt belive you for a second. I was humored by your tears. I wasnt touched, feeling sorry, or accepting to your appology.
I just knew that it would end REAL soon and that wonce again I could experience the tingling sensation of having my heart ripped to the ground and shit on again.
I wish I could stay and play your childish little games, but I really need to grow up and its now happening to quickly hanging around your dumb ass all day.
So in years down the road- or lets say 2 days (the amount of time it'll take me to get over you) I now say " I was a little f*king girl and it was a good learning experience".

@m July 30/04 Journalling

Mixed and messed as the drugs in Rolling Stones
Burnt, Fried to a crisp, left for the dogs.
The exact same feelings everyday, as if clones,
Searching for the answers.

Groping the orange by its sound not too far off.
Looking deeper at characteristics that dont exist.
Untouchable germ of the mouth such as a cough,
Surrounded, and attatched.

Inexperienced for what buttons to press to make life work,
False change from one day to another.
Assholes you know will all turn out as jerks.
So what the hells the point?

@m July 28/ 04 Journalling

The only person, that means like this to me;
The one as a partner, my future eye can see;
The man who held me, and wiped away my tears;
The one who didnt judge me, in tact with my peers;
The guy who rocked me, after over due shut eye;
The one of whose natural, skin scent I get high;
The He that said, that many years down the road,
Itll still be me- His treasure, His gold.

@m1/2 July 28/04 Journalling

Ive escaped from hell- the place where I was punished for throwing a stone-
To live.
After having a rough previous life, Ive learned.
Ive become well off with knowledge, yet not rich.
I understand that if I continue in old ways,
This being will end up back in its horrid kingdom.
Those who cast their pile didnt get even a wrist slap.
Why?
I am now being punished for murder.
Inaccurate assumtions.
Or wait.. Im caught up in time... that was then.
It effects me to this day:
The low down feelings.
The messed up emotions.

Who spiked my brain?
I dont know whats going on.
I run in circles.
Im getting dizzy.
I cant stop.
Im sick.

I lay motionless, under deep tranquilizer,
but still, I crawl- zombie like.
Worn out.
I need to find it.
I wish I knew what "IT" was.

I stumble.
I trip.
Im nautous.
Im scared.
Lonely and shook.
I cry.

Im sliding across the ground on my face.
It hurts.
I force myself to get up. Slowly, but surely.
I look up.
With arms wide open you stand.

You help me up and keep me standing on my feet.
Im strong now!
You nudge me.
I fall.

Clearly not as strong as I thought.
You help me with a hand.
I throw myself at you- thanks for the help.
My life is in your hands.

You treat me.
Your kind. You'll always be here for me.
You push me down.
You walk all over me.
Many times over.

I was over confident.
I look to you for help.
You turn your back to me.
I walk away with a hung head and slouched shoulders.

I feel a tap on my left one.
I look... and nobody's there.
I look over my right one- still no sign of intellagent life.
Just a familiar portrait from a back flash of a morbid dejavu.

I look past it. I cant focus.....
I wont focus.