LIFE

@m
Journalling (Aug. 8/04)

Life, without you, sucks. Its do-able, But it sucks.
I wish we could see eye to eye in all that we do and have done.
Unfortunatly we're far from.
Two totally different people.
I love you so much and wish that we weren't so stupid for each other.
It clearly wont last, but it would've been nice if it did.
I think a fair bit of the time that we lasted, we really didnt want to be where we were.
It was just nice having someone to experience life with.
I hate being alone.
Everytime we were together and quit talking, evertime you were with another girl, evertime I realized that you arent the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with because of your views, thoughts, and morrals- I just so badly wanted to die. I wished that the right guy would come along so that I didnt have to be so insecure about the relationship I shared, or be alone in life.
I hate doing this life stuff alone.
The first time we fought back in March or April, is where it should've ended (although I did really enjoy my time spent with you).
I think something BIG is about to happen but I wont really know for about 3 weeks, but I really want to talk to you if it's happening or not ( so I'll tell you on Aug. 29th if its happening).
Everyday- no matter what mood I'm in- I feel like calling you.
When I find out new news on life- I begin to call you and tell you- but then I remember that you don't care...
When I'm excited or I've had a good day- I look foreward to telling you about it when I see you next- but then you're not there....
When I'm sad, lonely, or depressed- I just can't wait for you to come and comfort me- but then I remember that it's not like that anymore. Other times I remember how bad the majority of the last 8 months have been. I then wonder how I could ever be thinking that I wanted to be with you, or how I tried to make us work so many times after you fucked me over. I calm myself down and tell myself that it wasn't that bad and that we are both just at different levels in life right now.
Dont worry- youre not the only one that doesn't understand how I think. Maybe you'll realized after youve experienced life a bit. After you've grown up.



TOO TIRED TO FINISH>>>>>

@m Mid-July/04 More journalling

Isnt if funny how you can know someone for so long and so well and you still really dont know them at all? Your minds eye seeing them for someone that they are not. Knowing that they're always keeping something from you... lie after lie... after lie... Being way off from the real them, as if you've invented their character from scratch and added pieces as life went along. SELFISH BASTARDS! It would have been nice if they could have either layed it all out for you at the beginning when they seen where you stood or atleast tried hard to fit the role that you needed them to play!

@m Mid-July/04

"As I sink into the earth"
As Im swallowed whole
I think the expert
Review my progress
And bite back

Groping, Grunging
Hiding behind obsticles
Avoiding the thought that eventually Ill hit them straight on

Bound
Dealing with emense pressure

@m Aug.5/04 Journalling

Are you wondering whats with the tension in my voice yet?
I know you made a bet with yourself- giving it 2 weeks max for the phone to ring.
What the hells wrong eh? Looks like your cheezi games got old real quick.
Its been 1 1/2 weeks. Getting nervous?
Im thinking at the 2 1/2 week mark you'll realize that there's no phone call comming.
Ill give you 1 1/2 months max.
The only thing that hurts is- when I told you what hurts most (watching you with her) you went straight to it right away.
P.S. You were right when you said that you're exactly what Im not looking for. I hope you enjoy your life.

@m Aug3/04 More Journalling

The Power of Boredom!
That takes you a step or two,
In the wrong direction,
That puts you back,
In the wrong position,
The painful position,
That lasts the time too long,
The pointless energy usage,
With knowledge of it lasting,
Only in the now.

@m Aug.3/04 Journalling

No, No! Really, I think this whole heart-break thing is halarious!
It used to hurt, but I think I'm immune to it now.
It's some pretty funny shit eh?
I like the part where you went back to that skanky little girl who hurt you before!
You definetly got a good sense of humor! I mean- CLEARLY!
Oh! And most of all, I quite enjoyed watching you cry last time you told me that you "wanted me back"- and how "sorry" you were.
Dont worry- I didnt belive you for a second. I was humored by your tears. I wasnt touched, feeling sorry, or accepting to your appology.
I just knew that it would end REAL soon and that wonce again I could experience the tingling sensation of having my heart ripped to the ground and shit on again.
I wish I could stay and play your childish little games, but I really need to grow up and its now happening to quickly hanging around your dumb ass all day.
So in years down the road- or lets say 2 days (the amount of time it'll take me to get over you) I now say " I was a little f*king girl and it was a good learning experience".

@m July 30/04 Journalling

Mixed and messed as the drugs in Rolling Stones
Burnt, Fried to a crisp, left for the dogs.
The exact same feelings everyday, as if clones,
Searching for the answers.

Groping the orange by its sound not too far off.
Looking deeper at characteristics that dont exist.
Untouchable germ of the mouth such as a cough,
Surrounded, and attatched.

Inexperienced for what buttons to press to make life work,
False change from one day to another.
Assholes you know will all turn out as jerks.
So what the hells the point?

@m July 28/ 04 Journalling

The only person, that means like this to me;
The one as a partner, my future eye can see;
The man who held me, and wiped away my tears;
The one who didnt judge me, in tact with my peers;
The guy who rocked me, after over due shut eye;
The one of whose natural, skin scent I get high;
The He that said, that many years down the road,
Itll still be me- His treasure, His gold.

@m1/2 July 28/04 Journalling

Ive escaped from hell- the place where I was punished for throwing a stone-
To live.
After having a rough previous life, Ive learned.
Ive become well off with knowledge, yet not rich.
I understand that if I continue in old ways,
This being will end up back in its horrid kingdom.
Those who cast their pile didnt get even a wrist slap.
Why?
I am now being punished for murder.
Inaccurate assumtions.
Or wait.. Im caught up in time... that was then.
It effects me to this day:
The low down feelings.
The messed up emotions.

Who spiked my brain?
I dont know whats going on.
I run in circles.
Im getting dizzy.
I cant stop.
Im sick.

I lay motionless, under deep tranquilizer,
but still, I crawl- zombie like.
Worn out.
I need to find it.
I wish I knew what "IT" was.

I stumble.
I trip.
Im nautous.
Im scared.
Lonely and shook.
I cry.

Im sliding across the ground on my face.
It hurts.
I force myself to get up. Slowly, but surely.
I look up.
With arms wide open you stand.

You help me up and keep me standing on my feet.
Im strong now!
You nudge me.
I fall.

Clearly not as strong as I thought.
You help me with a hand.
I throw myself at you- thanks for the help.
My life is in your hands.

You treat me.
Your kind. You'll always be here for me.
You push me down.
You walk all over me.
Many times over.

I was over confident.
I look to you for help.
You turn your back to me.
I walk away with a hung head and slouched shoulders.

I feel a tap on my left one.
I look... and nobody's there.
I look over my right one- still no sign of intellagent life.
Just a familiar portrait from a back flash of a morbid dejavu.

I look past it. I cant focus.....
I wont focus.

@m July 5/ 04 Journalling

Grieving amongst the lilac skies
The seas pretend to be calling my name
My words spoken softly with dilagence
Afraid to awaken to the morning prarie

Such proud upstanding citizens, I might add
Cry out for the knowledge of expansion
By which only a misunderstood few live and revive

Further and greater than any eye can lick
Yet oogle content are we
Material of our touch and of our core

The vision of breath at the break and the flow- the extent
The power
Our help, our hazards, our unrightous direction
Pleated by bullshit views- from insecurity- for protection

Now tell me again that I am still a child
Do I not feel or understand?
Keeping myself afar
You clasp the distance and ingrave it in my face

Jittery and sick I feel naturally
Pouring my own clay base alone
Throwing the giant bubbles away
Hoping, out of bitterness, they pop

Expressing it in countless words
Im sure you'll find me disintagrating below the earth
When really I am doing something most amazing

Its in my hands... I lay it out for you
In broad daylight... I explain it to you
So that maybe you can finally see that over lapping fingers
Are for the under- estimated fool

I am no lyer, nor am I a fool
I tell the truth
Not a second thought, will for a split second, I think
I come without fear, nor with affection
I care when community bullshit is inexistant

Todays Post

There comes a day in your life when you realize something great is about to happen. Great changes are about to occur. This is when you need to decide who your real friends are, and who is just sticking around to use you.